Sunday, October 21, 2018

Evolution is Revolution

I was listening to Two Guys on Your Head the other day on my way home from work and they were talking about the power of words, something I think about a lot.  They were saying that if we choose to identify with the “resistance” or even “deconstructing,” we are actually limiting our choices to reaction and therefore letting someone else dictate our actions.  We lose the power of agency, of defining our own reality.  Toltec shaman teachings as taught by Don Miguel Ruiz talk about the conscious dream, the dream of the planet that we are all a part of.  We are all dreaming while wide-awake.  But what do we do with that dream?  We may not have control of the ingredients that the universe provides each of us on our journey, but we do control what we do with them.  Do we curse the stars and waste it away?  Or do we make art?  Do we become co-creators with the universe, with the expressions of deity dancing like Kali rattling her skulls all around us?  Do we embrace the “worthy obstacles” Heather Ash speaks about that are placed lovingly in our path for growth and learning, for teaching us where we still have work to do?

I believe my own evolution is the most powerful revolution I can ever be a part of!

You see many moons ago I traded in a rather dramatic and chaotic life for one of simple meditation and contemplation.  For seven transformative years, I did deep inner work, healing past wounds and leapfrogging lifetimes of karmic baggage. But there came a time where being a recluse became an escape.  I reached a plateau through which I could not pass without re-entering the world of relationship, for there are some things that cannot be healed in isolation.  So I found myself tumbling out of my safe haven into a rocky marriage full of health, financial, cultural and immigration challenges.  I gave birth to two amazing beings, but I still found myself face to face with the realization that I had somehow recreated the very relationship I was born into despite my desperate attempts to free myself from its clutches.  I can see now, however, that I was given the opportunity to recreate it in order to truly face it and finally let it go, find myself in free fall, and rename it flight. 

Since then I frequently find myself engaged with re-enactments from my past.  Choices of sacrifice but suddenly curious which sacrifice is actually the better option. Are these choices made out of love or simply guilt and fear?  Are these choices to please others or my own soul, to open or to fold in on myself?  Pangs of abandonment or insecurity, deep wounds keep surfacing as I stare like a deer in headlights…Will I fall for it yet again? Take the bait?  Fall in the same trap?  How many times round this planet do I need to finally see my own truth and break free?

As Mark Nepo says, we rise up like mountains only to be worn down.  But it is not an image of futility.  It is a wearing down to the truth of who we are.  We cannot find out unless we first stand up.  We must stand up and be tested, be whittled down like wood in a carver's hands.  No one said it would be easy or pleasant!  But Nepo says that “though there are risks and dangers that wait in the world, we truly have no choice but to live out what we are born with, to find and work our path.”  We must choose “living over hiding,” “being over thinking,” “participating over observing,” “thriving over surviving.”  

And you are free to critique me, poke fun at me, and scoff at my naiveté.  But I will simply smile and move on.  Because as long as I am captivated by my own journey of self-discovery, I will take in what you have to offer only as much as it moves me forward.  Like vitamin C in high doses, my body will simply take what it needs to heal, to fortify its strength and then piss the rest out.  So my revolution is that I deny your definition of me and will find my way out of any box you place me in.  I do not accept your power over me.  I am not your victim.  You only debase yourself, for I will rise again.  I will dance agilely around your obstacles, laughing like a child because I know your tactics only serve to make me stronger.  Each time I see through you, you lose power.  For we are all lucid dreaming, and you only have as much power as I am willing to give you.  Your days are numbered.  One day soon we will all collectively pull off the sheet and behold the scared child trembling beneath like the wizard of Oz behind his curtain.  Hate is counterproductive.  Not only is it a waste of time and energy, but in the end I just pity you.  I will not squander not a single moment more of my precious life on your trickery, your subterfuge and your fear mongering.  I will instead pour my energy into transformation, one soul at a time. For our evolution is your revolution. And it is only a matter of time.      

Sunday, October 14, 2018

Shadow Boxing

I’m watching James gently exorcise the demon out of my dog.  He’s a grumpy old chihuahua with high anxiety.  He chokes himself on his own collar and squeals in pain like his life is in danger even though James is merely holding him by the scruff.  I cringe at a distance watching James patiently subdue him, lying him gently but firmly on his back to exert a dominance that should be obvious given their 200 pound difference.  Watching this drama play out before me, I realize it is all the more ironic because all James is trying to do is give him a bath!

But isn’t this exactly what I do?  Fight imaginary demons in my head.  Twist, growl, and yelp when actually the universe is simply massaging out the kinks in my muscles so that they can be soft and supple again, so I can regain my range of motion.  In a way, the universe is generously showing me where I still have work to do, where the knots are, the old agreements that keep me chained inside an imaginary cage. Like last weekend when I opend the bunnies’ hutch to let them run around in the crisp fall weather.  But every single one of them remained within the bounds of where the cage had been.  They would cautiously explore the outer boundary only to bound back at the slightest noise.  Am I  I living my life like a rabbit?  Heart racing, feeling like prey surrounded by predators. My muscles taut and ready to spring, dash and take cover.  Instictively conjuring all potential threats and trying to get a jump on the next source of danger?

Or maybe this is like shadow boxing.  Fighting an imaginary opponent trains my muscles, perfects my moves and helps me live into my rhythm.  Maybe these are my guardians giving me a sneak peek, an insight and preparing me by letting me envision myself already in battle with my next worthy obstacle.  Maybe these inner struggles are necessary practice where I learn to plant my feet, open, and resist the instinct to cower or run. Retrain myself to keep my eyes open when the ball is flying at my face, so I can catch it.  Like playing arpeggios on the piano as a child to build muscle memory in my fingertips.  Maybe this is a practice run!  

So like my dog Yogi, I eventually relax my muscles, soften my eyes, and sink into the moment. I feel myself melt, soft and pliable, open to receive the wisdom in the breeze on my face.  Just then, a light rain begins to dampen my skin and wash me clean.  I bow and begin to spar like my life depended on it.  Because maybe one day soon, it will.